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Fifty Shades of Grey: Film Review

Fifty Shades of Grey. Need I say anymore? We all know what it is, we all know what it means and we all know what it’s about. But to be clear, it’s the overly-erotic, modern day sex-life masterpiece that has evolved from the E.L. James novel trilogy. It is not something that I thought, at first, I would be spending my Valentines Day watching, but when you’re a single girl and have a number of other single friends, you can’t really help but throw yourself at the occasion and forget about the overly commercialised day of love.

We all know the ’50 Shades’ craze began ever since the fantasy fiction hit our bookshelves in 2011 and the buzz reached fever pitch in 2013 after the endless speculation as to who would play the bondage-loving millionaire, Christian Grey. Having not read the books myself, I wondered if I would have regretted watching the film before wading through the lengthy volume of pornographic waffle, but it appears that was not the case (to an extent).

E.L. James Best Selling Novel
E.L. James Best Selling Novel

For those of you that are not novices on the whole Fifty Shades of Grey saga, the basic plot is as follows. College student, Anastasia Steele conducts an interview with the mysteriously charming, youthful billionaire, Christian Grey. After endless seduction and flirtation, Mr Grey finds his love (sex) interest in Anastasia which is soon discovered to be a love for bondage and discipline. In the infamous words of Rihanna, chains and whips certainly do excite him. But there’s a catch! Mysterious Grey wants the entire relationship to be based on the role of him as the ‘dominate’ inflicting sexual pain on the ‘submissive’ (Anastasia). Essentially, the entire film is Steele’s struggle as to whether to accept this relationship, mixed with copious amounts of sexual activity.

After queueing like sardines in the cinema foyer and being handed free packets of love hearts (sympathy card for being single of Valentines day, it’s okay, we get it), I, along with what felt like 5,000 other people scuttled into the cinema screen with huge anticipation and expectations as to what was about to flash before me.

First of all, the intent with Anastasia’s role is that she is your innocent, girl-next-door kind of character that gets seduced by this big-time millionaire. However, I felt that Dakota Johnson (Anastasia Steele) was portrayed as nervous and hesitant in most scenes, which is not the main purpose for her character. The role was played in a very one dimensional way and made the supposedly deeper scenes seem somewhat comedic. On the other hand, there is the ever sought after, Christian Grey. With his tousled beard and muscular build, Jamie Dornan is a precise physical match for the fantasy-hottie that people have been waiting to see.

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Something I really enjoyed was the film’s underlying comedic angle. The awkward and cringey dialogue made the scenes a little more light-hearted and comical to watch. Even if this is not the first intention of the scene, the film embraces this goofiness with ease. There are a number of symbols that attempt to be subtle and sublime, yet they just end up being hilariously cheesy, and parts of the foreplay are more of a playground act. For example, towards the beginning of the film Christian gives Anastasia a pencil, to which she proceeds to seductively bite. I mean, I’m sorry, but if that is there idea of pleasure then you can count me out!

From a cinematographic and technical point of view, I thought that whilst some parts of the film were shot with too much similarity, the creativity and ability to shoot the scenes of sexual nature was done with class (if you can call it that). The nature of this plot line meant that viewers desired the deeper, pornographic style to the film and this is what they got – to an extent. Whilst nudity was present and Anastasia’s body was filmed in abstract ways to add further intimacy, there are times that I think people would have expected to ‘see more’. The use of music also played to the film’s advantage and is something that adds to that goosebump effect, especially as he whisks her away in a helicopter ride (Okay, maybe a little bit jealous!).

The apartment, the play room, the decor was everything that you could ever imagine it to be. The sleek, white interior of the apartment with the circling staircase and grand piano – it’s all the same. And the play room, well it’s like a painted picture. Four-post bed covered in red leather and red cushions? Check. Leather, wood, polish scent? Check. Deep, dark burgundy walls? Check. Sex toys, iron grids and handcuffs? Plenty. This is one element of the entire film that cannot be criticised for it’s similarity to the book.

Despite the film’s explicit sexual nature, there have been a number of criticisms that the film promotes sexual violence. Whilst this is a valid point to make, I think that it is important to remember that the idea of the film is to portray a modern-day replication of a bondage fantasy. In other words, what were you expecting?! There are no points in the film, where Anastasia does not give her consent, and at the time she calls her safe words, Grey retracts from further engagement. I believe that with regards to this element, the film is technically sound and the submissive is reminded of the fact that she does not have to continue on a regular basis (maybe too much?!).

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So, a final verdict? Can we come to one? Has it turned out to be the enticing, worldwide phenomenon that everyone predicted, or is it simply a somewhat successful replication of a sexually explicit, forever-desiring fantasy fiction that we will continue to read and love? I think the latter is more prominent, but the real answer is this. Go and see the film if you want soft-core pornographic fun for all the family, minus the children of course (it is an 18!). If you’re after something a bit more ‘hard-core’, then I would advise you stick to your computer and if you’re simply wanting to find out what all the hype is about, then give it watch – it’s only a moderately raunchy/kinky adaptation of the book that you’ve already read!

And if you’ve been to see it already, comment below what your thoughts are!

Favourites from the Goodie Bag!

So to those of you that follow me on Instagram, or saw the extremely exciting goodie bag that I got at the end of my 2 weeks at Heat, you will know that it was jammed packed with so many gorgeous products and treats. And since being back from London for over a week now, I thought I would compile a review of my favourites from the bag to share with you all!

First up, it has to be the Mark Hill Wonder Hair Spray. This stuff is genius. With a 12 in 1 formula, this Wonder Spray holds, lifts, shapes, protects your hair in ways you could never imagine. The worst thing about other hair sprays is the crispy, rock-solid feeling that you get once you’ve sprayed your hair. Ew! With this, the after effect is seamless. You’re hair feels fabulous and is fit for all weathers. There is no way that I could go back to any normal hairspray!

Mark Hill Wonder Hair Spray is just £5.99 at Boots
Mark Hill Wonder Hair Spray is just £5.99 at Boots

Next up on the list is most definitely the Surratt Lip Lustre in Nudite. I mean, forget the fancy name, it’s a nude lip gloss, but it is so elegant and easy to wear. Nudes are easy to match with most outfits, but there is nothing worse than having a cup of tea and finding that your lippy is gone within half an hour of applying it. Long lasting and subtle, the perfect combo for any occasion.

All Surratt Lip Lustre RRP at £19
All Surratt Lip Lustre RRP at £19

Now, dry shampoo has fast become any girls saviour. If you’re after volume, touching up the roots, or if you actually just don’t have the time to wash your hair before work, dry shampoo is the answer. But, for me, life has moved on past the standard Bastiste; it’s now all about COLAB Dry Shampoo New York. Forget the fact that its recommended by Ruth Crilly, this stuff smells incredible. Say goodbye to the white marks on your hair, this just blends into your hair leaving it feeling fresh and volumised (and reasonably clean!) Perfect!

COLAB Dry Shampoo New York is too good to resist for £2.32 at Superdrug
COLAB Dry Shampoo New York is too good to resist for £2.32 at Superdrug

Mascara can be a really difficult challenge to master on its own, and often it takes you months to find a particular one that works with your lashes. Plastic brush? Straight brush? Curved brush? Extra bristles? And the choice goes on. But, through luck, I have finally found a mascara that trumps all others: Scandaleyes Mascara by Kate Moss. Armed with a broken heart brush, limp lashes are now a thing of the past!

Scandaleyes by Kate Moss can be found at Boots for £7.49
Scandaleyes by Kate Moss can be found at Boots for £7.49

And lastly, its brows. Barry M have released Brow Kit: Shape and Define and it certainly is the next best thing. Eye brow pencils are no longer since this is handy kit has arrived. Packed with a pair of mini tweezers and a highlighting powder to emphasise the arch, your eye brows will never have looked better! Nailed it!

Spruce up those brows with the Barry M Shape and Define Brow Kit (RRP £5.99)
Spruce up those brows with the Barry M Shape and Define Brow Kit (RRP £5.99)

A Day in the Life of a ‘Heat Workie’

 

Heat Towers
Heat Towers

“Heat workie.” That’s me.

Taking 2 weeks out of University is usually frowned upon, but when you’re given the opportunity to undergo work experience at Heat magazine, there is no question about it. Oyster cards, stuffy underground trains and impatient commuters every morning are just some of the things that you learn to get used to when it means you’ll be spending your days amongst some of the best journalists in the business.

But when someone says work experience, there is that instant stereotype of tea-making, filing and arranging each and every piece of paper into alphabetical order. BORING! No-one wants to do that for two weeks – I’d rather be at Uni! But luckily for me, that wasn’t the case. Writing articles for the online magazine, transcribing interviews with some of my favourite reality TV stars and being inundated with freebies are just some of the tasks that confronted me on this placement.

That aside, the extent to which PR companies go to promote their brands and products needs to be recognised. Treasure chests made from sweets, Pizza Hut Ninjas, Subways, donuts, cakes that are made to look like make-up brushes, and the list is never-ending! Its a case of forgetting all of your diet plans for the next two weeks, as the amount of food placed in front of you is enough to make you gain 3 stone!

The best thing about Heat, is their original, wacky and somewhat ridiculous ways in which they engage with their celebs and interviewees. Take 12 heart-shaped balloons, cut up 12 in-your-face questions and inflate the balloons with the questions inside. Take a wonder to find Nick Jonas and you’ve got all the ingredients you need for a perfect interview! – don’t forget a pin though, otherwise you may struggle to read the questions inside! And so it goes on; quizzing celebrities to discover how much they actually know (or don’t know) about the real world, trying to explain to the TOWIE cast how to play a REALLY SIMPLE game, or playing Snog Marry Avoid with an overly unexcited Lucy Watson. Inspiring!

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Pudsey is showing his support for Stand Up to Cancer

Stand Up to Cancer was a big campaign for everyone, but for Heat, they took raising awareness to a different level; dressing celebrity dogs in specially-made jackets and littering their photos over social networks. What a great way to support the cause! But hold up, for these celebrity dogs to have these jackets, it means that someone has got put their postman hat on! … And that was me. I took a trip to see Alan Carr, a trip to Ashleigh and Pudsey’s house, all in the name of charity. To say that the two weeks haven’t been an adventure would be the understatement of the year!

There is one thing, for me, that is the icing on the cake about the whole experience; the by-lines. To see your name underneath the headline for a story gives such a strong sense of achievement. From ‘Who wore it best?’ articles, to ‘The Vamps launching a new online game’, it is your name that is displayed to everyone. Everyone is going to know that you’ve written that. AMAZING!

So take a scroll through some of the ‘Who wore it best?’ articles I have written on the link below.

Check out my “Who wore it best?” articles for Heat

Pride of Britain Awards Red Carpet Round-Up

Last night was the annual Pride of Britain Awards in London and what a red carpet it was this year! It seems that newly-wed Cheryl Fernandez-Versini stole the show with a striking, floor-length MT Costello gown. New from the Spring 15 collection, the frock oozed style and lace detail amongst a rich blue colour and delicate embroidery. But forget about that, the real focus was on the open back, revealing Cheryl’s giant rose back tattoo. Pairing this with a subtle makeup set and a simple down-do, Cheryl certainly turned a few heads as she paraded the red carpet at The Grosvenor House Hotel.

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Other attention grabbers showed Alesha Dixon in alternative glamour. Wearing a dog-tooth suit co-ord, Alesha, along with others, displayed a plunging neckline with this printed ensemble. Pairing this with a pair of nude heels and a scraped back up-do, Alesha looked floorless as the walked the red carpet for this year’s Pride of Britain Awards.

And Amanda Holden, in an emerald green, sequin, floor-length dress teased with her toned legs through a slit in this strapless gown. Keeping with the green theme, Amanda paired her frock with some softer green bling and subtle pointed heels. Volume was key when it came to hair as Amanda flaunted her curly, golden locks. All in all, a winner amongst many!

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Our new Xtra Factor host, Sarah-Jane Crawford, showed her more edgy style with an Antonio Berardi dress that went down a storm. The block-colour one sleeved creation with a silver zip detail across the body was matched perfectly with a pair of ASOS ankle-strapped black pumps. Just when we thought that block colours had been left in last summer, Sarah-Jane pulls this one out of the bag.

Now, nobody ever wants to point the finger, but there is always at least one red carpet fail. Unfortuntely this year’s Pride of Britain awards exposed Kara Tointon as the outfit failure. Shock, I know, as Kara usually looks outstanding. However, the Lover ‘Libra’ high-neck dress didn’t put her in the top spot this time round. The cap-sleeved dress hugged her gorgeous figure, but the neck line made her seem restricted and ever-so-slightly aged. It’s time to pick bones with her makeup artist, also, as the dark, ghostly tones didn’t help the whole feel of her outfit. Poor Kara. Better luck next time!

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So the red carpet roundup for this year’s Pride of Britain Awards presented us with some who got it right, and some who really didn’t get it right. Nevertheless, the show is always exciting to watch, so tune into ITV tonight where we can catch another glimpse of all the red carpet action, as well as the awards…obviously!

The Feelings Neutral

I think it’s safe to say that we have definitely seen the back of summer for this year. The sun may still shine, but it’s not quite the weather for bikinis and swimsuits! Instead we’re well into our Autumn/Winter season which means one thing and one thing only; winter wardrobe! This season has confronted us with a number of spectacular trends, but one slightly more prominent than others is the neutral colours. This Autumn sees an array of tones of camel, cream and nude take centre stage as the colour palette to take you through the day and into the night. Neutrals are perfect for the office as well as your off-duty escapades, so it’s not a surprise that it’s taken to our high streets with such a storm!

TOPSHOP NEUTRAL
Autumn/Winter at Topshop

 Topshop’s range of subtle tones is definitely worth a browse this season. From skirts, to tops, to dresses, the pastel colours of summer have faded into the creams and beiges of winter. It’s the comeback of the ankle boots and long trench coats; one of the most slimming winter outfits. Why feel frumpy and over-dressed? Dress yourself in neutral attire and you will automatically feel dressed for any occasion. Even your worst enemy would admire your outfit choice.

Autumn/Winter at River Island
Autumn/Winter at River Island

Warm tan and camel give any outfit an earthy appeal and River Island have certainly gone to town with their neutral trends this autumn. Oversized coats are said to be a thing of the past, however, last year we saw their return and the craze has continued through to this wintery season. Combining a pair of jeans with a cream knit and an oversized coat, such as this from River Island, gives a sophisticated yet casual look. Use the heels and dress yourself up. Neutrals are so versatile and a great way to seek warmth through those frosty mornings.

Autumn/Winter at Warehouse
Autumn/Winter at Warehouse

You’d be silly to bypass the Autumn/Winter collection at Warehouse this season. Taking the neutral trends to new levels, mixing with grey’s and pinks to give a more subdued style. If for one second you thought that jumpsuits and playsuits were an item for summer, think again! Match a misty toned jumpsuit with a pair of darker heeled ankle boots and you’ve got yourself a showstopper. But don’t be disheartened if the washed-out tones don’t fill your boots this winter, keep it cool with a chiffon blouse and simply dip in and out of the nude!

Top Tips for Holidaying in Ibiza

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So after recently returning from a holiday to Ibiza and severe lack of blogging, an Ibiza blog is definitely overdue and what better than to give a few top tips for holidaying in paradise.

One of the biggest, and most obvious, things that I learned whilst away is that you need to be prepared to spend money. Ibiza is an expensive area and in order to have the ultimate Ibiza experience, be prepared to pay 40 Euro for an alcoholic drink or 15 Euro for a bottle of water. Supermarkets can give you a better deal, but not in all cases. They are still crafty enough to charge you 3 Euro for a single packet of crisps because it is almost guaranteed that you will buy some crisps if you’re in a snacky mood, or just hungover!

Another big thing is pickpocketing. You need eyes in the back of your head and you need to be on the ball at all times. People go out to Ibiza with one thing in mind, to pickpocket. Waving your hands up and down in the air whilst dancing in a club is an easy way for them to sneak into your bag. And you don’t even realise it’s happening. But sadly, isn’t this the case for many places these days? Why people feel the need to steal from others is way beyond me.

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Ibiza is definitely the time where you can show some real sass. Telling people where to go, or where to stick their ‘Best Drinks offer on the Island’ becomes slightly more of a habit than a choice. It is acceptable and bearable to an extent but always have a couple of excuses up your sleeves, such as “I’m going home tomorrow” or even “I’m already going, see you there!”. The bottom line is don’t be scared to say no!

Apart from these, Ibiza is one of the most amazing places and has some of the most beautiful beaches and sunsets. It is somewhere that I would visit again, without a doubt. So if you haven’t done the Ibiza experience, make sure it’s on your bucket list!

Made in Chelsea, Series 7 Episode 9 Review

So this week we were greeted with the typical activity for London poshos – diving into ponds in Hampstead Heath. Obviously. But the fresh water clearly knocked some sense into Spenny as he explains to Andy how he has been a “shi*t friend” to Binky, over a spot of diving. Andy being the best friend that he is, kindly responds to Spenny by naming as a “fat Tom Daley.”

Meanwhie, still keeping up the sporting trend is Jamie, Stevie and newbies Edo and Fordy. Boy-chats over a game of basketball accompanied by an uncomfortable amount of backwards caps is clearly the new way to socialise. Stevie describes his unexpected kiss with Stephanie last week as the best he’s had so I think it’s safe to say that Riley is well and truly out of the picture. But not too worry, we can always rely of Jamie to snap up one of his mate’s ex girlfriends. He grabs her number from Stevie (cringe) and persists in arranging this date that was brought to the table at the picnic last week.

Obviously diving into ponds and basketball is not the current state of affairs for our Chelsea girls. They are much more suited to a catch up in Lucy’s office over lunch. Binky begins to tell all on the latest with Alex and shows that despite the numerous cheating scandals, his generous efforts with presents and more presents is starting to win her over. Oh Binks, blinded by love. Lucy and Stephanie are not best pleased by this news which leads to a full blown argument between Lucy and Binky. “You haven’t spoken to me for 5 days,” is the kind of chat that is happening. Come on girls, it’s not primary school. Nevertheless, this escalates and leads to Binky storming out and Steph and Lucy left jaw-dropped.

Back to work after lunch and Riley strolls into the office. Late. Lucy is not best pleased and after hearing the current rumours of her and Jamie’s planned date, she does not hesitate to sack her intern as a result of mingling with her ex. The word jealousy springs to mind, Lucy.

You're fired!
You’re fired!

Spencer takes Binky for dinner in attempt to rekindle their friendship. The whole “I’m sorry for being an a**ehole” spiel manages to win Binky back after part-taking in the infamous orgy with boyfriend/ex boyfriend (we’re not quite sure). Meanwhile, Jamie finally gets his way with his drink date with Riley. Their conversation seemed to be flowing smoothly after she described him as a chihuahua. Interesting first date chat.

Dinner with Spencer wins Binky over
Dinner with Spencer wins Binky over

In true Chelsea fashion, the epsiode’s ending comes with a party. Or pardy should I say. This doesn’t fail to unveil a whole load of drama and what better way to start than by Alex entering the room, in the same outfit as Spenny. He confronts Mytton about shifting the blame onto his shoulders as a way of winning back Binks but, seriously, they’ve practically had sex with each other so there is not really any point in arguing about whose fault it is.

Riley makes it clear that she has chosen Jamie over her job after they share a sneaky smooch. Lucy and Stephanie continue the jaw-drop facial expression and the girls congregate to discuss their feelings towards Binky’s friendship loyalties. Cheska, Fran both agree with Lucy that she has begun to ditch her gal pals as a way of getting back with Alex and, as expected, Cheska starts crying after realising that she is ‘losing’ her best friend. Coincidently Binky joins this chat and confronts Lucy with a few home truths, “the world does not revolve around you, Lucy.” Louise and Cheska try to step in and smooth things over but Binky is having none of it and snarls at them too.  “Go f*ck yourself,” was the mouthful Cheska got. Ouch. When will these poshos learn.

Made in Chelsea, Series 7 Episode 8 Review

It’s that time of the week again where we recap last night’s antics of our favourite Londoners – and after last week, I think there a considerable number of questions that need to be answered!

The episode opens with our two orgy culprits as they coincidently (and awkwardly) bump into each other on the street. Alex makes it clear to Spenny that he is royally ‘cheesed off’ with the way in which this HUGE revelation has unveiled as it was discussed amongst the two of them that this would definitely be kept on the DL (down-low for those who are socially inadequate).

Our infamous orgy culprits
Our infamous orgy culprits

Meanwhile, the girls gather around Binky’s house to discuss the latest on the infamous cheating scandal. Rosie chooses to ignore all rules of social convention as she continues to wear a hat indoors, but nevertheless she is a Chelsea girl so one shall do what one chooses to. Binky apologies to Lucy for being so oblivious to the truth that she was being told, and even Louise pipes up with a ‘semi-grovel’. First time for everything.

We’ve all reached a point now where we bury our heads in our hands as soon as Sam comes on our screens. He meets with Riley for an oh-so-awkward catch up where he continues to explain his disgust with Spenny and how distraught he is that Christiana has chosen Spencer over him – funny that. Riley now knows the perfect way to remove Sam from any situations; by kindly dropping in that Stevie is coming to join them. Right on time, he strolls across the camera, and Sam takes the opportunity to swiftly leave the scene – nice work Riley.

Spencer continues to tackle the dating world in the opposite way to most, sleeping with them first, then taking them out for a romantic dinner. Christiana is his current victim, although not for much longer I would imagine after she kindly announces that she thought he was 30!

Spencer tackling the dating world backwards!
Spencer tackling the dating world backwards!

Now for a complete plot change, Stephanie and Louise are doing the usual thing that girls do, chatting over a drink or two. Stevie and Andy are spotted at the other side of the bar, wearing some slightly questionable Hawaiian garlands. They join the girls for a drink which turns into a highly flirtatious conversation between Steph and Stevie, with a ‘tour’ of London left on the cards. Stevie! What about Riley?!

Andy's face says it all!
Andy’s face says it all!

Lucy and Riley meet for a business/girl-to-girl chat which is rudely interrupted by Jamie. Much to Lucy’s disapproval, he continues to pest Riley and promises to call her later, even though he doesn’t have her number .. yet. Bless. You can’t blame the guy for trying! Stephanie joins this small intervention and drops the bombshell that she most definitely has a crush on Stevie. Jamie, in his current love situation, encourages her to push forward with Stevie. Smooth moves Jamie, he’ll do anything to worm his way in with Riley. Poor girl, she’s only been on the set 5 minutes.

In other news, Binky goes against the collective wisdom of the girls and meets up with Alex, carrying a large bunch of flowers in her hand. Its clear she has reached the point where enough is enough and she knows why she is here: to throw the flowers on Alex’s feet and to shoot down his grovelling by reminding him that he “should’ve thought about it before sticking your dick in other people.” Mytton’s crying, Binky’s crying but showing real girl power, she turns around and walks away. Go Binks!

Alex and Binky call it quits.. for now.
Alex and Binky call it quits.. for now.

All aboard Stevie’s tour of London! This is a clear reminder as to why he is stars in a reality TV show rather than being a tour guide. A one stop tour, featuring a scenic rooftop, is the perfect spot for Stephanie to reveal her big ploy to get Stevie away from the usual crowd to spend a bit of ‘quality time’ together. Stevie reveals he is single (sounds like Stiley is off the cards then), and leans in for a cheeky smooch. Oh Stevie, we thought you were the good guy!

Stevie! You were meant to be the good guy!
Stevie! You were meant to be the good guy!

Sam being the worst addition to MIC that we’ve had since forever is conveniently sat in perfect proximity to eavesdrop on Andy and Stevie’s conversation. Whilst explaining about the latest Stevie snog, Sam makes it his priority to inform Riley of what he has just heard. At Jamie’s previously planned picnic, Same takes the opportunity to tell Riley which leaves her looking ever so slightly disappointed. However, I’m sure she won’t be down for long if Jamie has anything to do with it! Isn’t that right Jamie? Oh yes, in fact, he’s asking her on a date as we speak. Maybe I should just write the script from now on?!

Made in Chelsea, Series 7 Episode 7 Review

A day later than usual but unfortunately assignments have taken over my life this week. However, there is always time to squeeze in an episode of Made in Chelsea. And what an episode it was! After last week’s slight deflation, this week certainly made up for any lack of juiciness! It’s one of those where your jaw is permanently locked into a shocked position throughout the entire show.

So we start off on the night of Louise’s birthday party, of which she is late too. Her posh pals organised some kind of gig to celebrate her 24 years of life. It would seem that the attention was not so much on Louise though. Despite it being her birthday, Binky and Cheska are interrupted by a certain Spencer Matthews who attempts to ‘sashay’ his way over to speak to Binky. He is soon to realise that this was probably the worst decision he could have made after Binky lays into him about how he has been a bad friend and not stood by her through the whole Alex situation.

Sam tries, once again, to tell Stevie how it is “so hard” to see him with his ex-girlfriend, Riley. But this time, he wastes no time in telling Stevie how he is now also interested in another female (poor girl!), so Stevie definitely doesn’t have to worry about Sam Thompson trying to steal back his girl. As if that was ever going to happen anyway.

On the topic of Riley, she continues to blossom as Lucy’s new intern to the point in which they discuss Jamie and Lucy’s first kiss which is conveniently interrupted by the stud himself. He graces the girls with his presence and a bag full of sweet treats and makes an unconcerted effort to snap up Riley as his new intern. I think the phrase “I will poach her. Like an egg,” was what he used to try and win himself a new companion. Nice work Jamie.

Now we know we can always count on Stephanie with her trademark introductory line, “Hey asshole”, when it comes to greeting Spencer. And this week she certainly didn’t let us down. Cutting back to Louise’s party, she continues to inform him of how she feels disgusted by his actions – to which he felt an appropriate reply would be to invite her to live back with him. This part has to make MIC history. Stephanie wastes no time in immediately turning her back and walking off in the opposite direction. No words were needed. The reaction on Spencer’s face was enough!

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Yes, those are definitely real tears.

Lucy struggles to hold back her tears when discussing with Jamie how she feels the other girls are ganging up on her. Poor girl, she is only trying to do the best for Binky and she’s being targeted as the bad guy. But there’s no need to panic because Jamie is there with a shoulder to cry on. So much for these two hating each other?!

Meanwhile, much to everyone else’s horror, Binky and Alex are out on a date. He continues to grovel and asks what he can do to try and make it up to her. FOUR times he has cheated. That’s a lot of making up to do Mytton. It’s a good job you’re a Chelsea boy, eh! She begins revealing her list of ‘wants’, starting with presents, holidays, surprises. Wait a second Binks, have you not had enough surprises from Alex over the last few weeks?!

"I want presents, holidays and surprises"
“I want presents, holidays and surprises”

Now it wouldn’t be a true episode of Chelsea without some form of awkward conversation/chat/dinner/date. This week we saw Sam and Spencer sitting, coincidently, around a table for 4 with just the 2 of them supposedly having a catch up. It takes a few minutes for Sam to reveal that he has in fact set up his very own double date with his new fancy girl and her friend. They arrive, both in pastels, with long blonde hair and Spencer already looks guilty. Has he slept with either of them? … Of course he has! We’re not really too sure which one as they both look the same, but nevertheless he has already had some fun with one of them. Sam, once again, is left crestfallen. Your time will come Sam, one day.

Stevie’s birthday is rapidly approaching and Andy, Lucy and Proudlock have obviously got a surprise up their sleeves. And whilst they are busy planning, Jamie meets with Alex to get the low-down on the latest with him and Binky. For once he gives some advice that we all agree with. That he should not get back with Binky as if any more indiscretions are revealed, it will destroy her. AGREED.

Binky later meets with Lucy for what soon turns into a mini showdown. She begins accusing Lucy of getting kicks out of her bad news, to which she replies with a killer line: “Are you afraid of me, or are you afraid of the truth?” Ooooo. This continues and Lucy is accused of being stuck-up and arrogant. Ouch. There’s no wonder that she releases another set of real, human tears. Twice in one episode? It must be serious.

"Are you afraid of me or are you afraid of the truth?"
“Are you afraid of me or are you afraid of the truth?”

I told you this was a juicy episode, and now is where it really starts to live up to its name.

SURPRISE! Stevie’s surprise party is in full swing, thanks to his nearest and dearest in Chelsea. Riley greets him with a handmade card (how sweet) and the cake has a full-blown photo of his baby face on it. Aww! One of the blonde bombshell’s (I couldn’t tell you which one) approaches Sam and Spencer in a rather ‘something huge is about to happen’ kind of way. And so it did. She kindly dropped the news that Spencer’s involvement with Christiana (the other blonde one) was in fact more recently than he thought. The other night to be exact. Straight after they’d been for their double date and Sam had explained his interest in her. UH OH SPENNY! Sam responded in the same way as most of the other girls did once they found out Spencer had cheated on them: drink in the face. Well done Sam. That was probably the best we’ve seen from you all series.

Pretty much straight after the drink-to-the-face scene, Spencer is seen chatting to Alex and Binky. Lucy, armed with Stephanie, Louise and Rosie, approaches the trio with a fairly unimpressed expression across her face. At this point, hearts are racing, palms are getting sweaty as Lucy is about to reveal the ultimate bombshell that Chelsea has seen in a while. Spencer and Alex have just awarded themselves as the biggest, cheating scumbags to ever walk through Chelsea. MASSIVE ORGY. Yes, that’s right. The news is broken that they had an orgy with several other girls on the week that Binky and Alex were on a break. WHAT?! With a little helpful prompting from Lucy, Binky is left to hear the devastating news of Mytton’s antics. He continues to protest that he can’t remember (haven’t heard that one before) but Binky rightly puts him in his place with the moment that we’ve all been waiting for. SLAP! You go girl!

They’ve got some living up to do in next week’s episode. Come on E4, don’t let us down!

Made in Chelsea, Series 7 Episode 5 Review

So this week our favourite group of poshos decide to pack up and head to Venice – as you do! By favourite group, its more suited to name them the most controversial group – Spencer Matthews, along with 3 of his ex girlfriends (Louise, Lucy and Stephanie), accompanied by his current love interest and Jamie Laing just tagging along for company. This has disaster written all over it.

MIC hits Venice
MIC hits Venice

The hour begins panning through the traditional Venice views, the group divided into pairs and rowing through the streets of the beautiful city. Louise and Emma’s friendship continues to blossom as they sail away together whilst, obviously, discussing the one and only love rat that is Spencer. I forgot to mention that Stephanie’s agent/model friend/ limpit, Erik, is also there and receives his well deserved grilling from Stephanie as to why he formally invited Spencer on this trip. Oops, bad move!

Back at home, Binky is still struggling to come to terms with the idea of being dumped straight after being cheated on. As always, her Mum is there to offer some wise advice over the Binky/Mytton break-up but suggests he is keeping his options open and will soon come crawling back. Poor Binky. Meawhile, whilst on a run with Proudlock, Chelsea’s newly found sleaze-ball finally screws his head back on and begins to realise that he has become “a complete f**king arsehole” – his words, not mine! Seeking comfort in a level-headed Proudlock, he advises him to work at re-building the trust between them. So maybe there could be rekindled relationship after all.

Now remember Riley, she was introduced to us as Sam Thompson’s EX girlfriend last week? Yes, well I don’t think she expected to find herself in the centre of a love triangle by her second episode in! After Rosie cunningly pushed for a Stevie and Riley slow dance last week at her party, she continues her mission to rid Stevie of his MIC virginity. Bumping into Riley at the hair salon could not have been more of a coincidence but nevertheless, it happened. “He’s really sweet,” she mutters. Ooo, where could this be leading?!

After somehow worming his way into a lads golf day with Stevie (awkward), Andy and Proudlock, Sam continuously tries to make it clear that he could have Riley back at the click of his fingers if he wanted. Oh god. Why are you doing this, Sam? We have to tolerate you at the best of times. Please just stop. And just to throw another spanner in the works, Stevie receives a text from Riley whilst out with the boys, asking him out for coffee. Unlucky Sam!

Sam bumps into Stevie and Riley on their date. Awkward!
Sam bumps into Stevie and Riley on their date. Awkward!

As it would be rude to turn down the offer, Stevie pursues his coffee date with Riley. Unfortunately for them, and everyone else involved, they bump into Sam whilst having a cute walk in the park and an overly awkward conversation about beverages ensues. “You had tea? How manly,” tries Sam, before turning to his ex. “And what did you have?” Obviously she had tea as well which knocked him back a few steps. After consciously offering Riley a date with coffee, and sex (what is wrong with this boy?) another awkward silence hit our screens. It was one of those moments where you are shouting at your TV for him to stop speaking but he just KEEPS GOING!

Back in Venice its all kicking off. Emma’s returns to her ice queen impressions after Stephanie asks her what her name was. Erik tries to diffuse the situation by stating how much of an arse Spencer is. Nice one Erik, while all the exes are at the table, obviously the best thing to talk about is Spencer. And after dinner, Spenny takes Stephanie aside in an attempt to apologise for the way things ended between them, but he is quickly unravelled as Stephanie pulls out an award-winning line. I hope you’re ready for this. In her best American accent, “You’re an asshole. You’re the devil in a clown suit. I would rather kiss the floor than ever kiss you again. I am sure that would be more sanitary.” A round of applause, Stephanie. But the sour tone is short-lived when he pulls out a Prada bag from under the table. All seems to be forgiven very quickly as Stephanie’s face begins to light up. Uh oh..

The next morning, Emma and Erik are soaking up the Venice views until Jamie interrupts with some unwanted news. The news that Spencer and Stephanie hooked up last night shocks Emma and sends Erik’s jaw into overdrive. Typical Spenny. Sending someone else to do your dirty work. At least Stephanie is able to admit to Lucy herself what happened – she wasn’t impressed though.

Sam seeks comfort in probably the only person that enjoys his company, his sister. He whines to Louise how unhappy he is about Riley and Stevie going on a date. And the fact that she asked him out for coffee is too much for him to handle. Er, newsflash Sam, its 2014. Just because no girl has ever asked you on a date, doesn’t mean it never happens.

Completely ignoring any intervention from Sam and Louise, Stevie and Riley pursue their date and, from what it seems, it is going swimmingly until he makes his move and offers her to come to South Africa with his family next time she’s around. Around South Africa? Is he okay?

Stevie naturally looks so awkward on dates. Bless!
Stevie naturally looks so awkward on dates. Bless!

Alex makes a last effort to get Binky back with a text asking her to meet up. She agrees and the rest is history.. Until next week’s episode.